ciggarettes and wine couldnt begin to fill this void

hopeless dream
I cant escape
your the only thing on my mind
all the time
its damaging
its been months
but i cant stop thinking about you
laughter fills my mind
how could i be so insinsitive
for a girl im pretty clueless
I wish you never left
or...
but its to late
maybe in time things will get better
until then
i miss you
forever
...

dream lived out

Slip fast away
make it out clean
go for dreams and live for hope
escape nostolgia
and come to
this is it
today we live
just for today
make it worth while
do what you love
love what you do
run fast from the memeories
and shy away from plans
do what you can to love who you are
Its hard in this day and age
to be happy
find what you love and never stop doing that
dont let life beat you down
and dont let failure keep you from
getting back up
we need to escape reality
and live big
we've got one chance
lets not fuck it up

Papercut my broken lies

Finger prints mask my fears
and you paper cuts
leave me broken
those eyes could lie their way out of anything
and blue smiles last forever in memories
through all the tears I can honestly say
Id never give you up
feed my bullshit
make me smile
make me cry
no matter what I'll come back
stupid on my part
but those dimples tell a story
of tragedy and romance
your mind is screaming for redemption
and my body would give salvation
to it any time
you cursed me when I saw you
so forever i am yours

love out loud

It beautiful
the way crimson ran from her arm
that night

with a crooked smile
and a twist in her eyes
she laughed
as the tears smeered from cheek to cheek

the shower ran
and steam poured from the room
her sobbing drown out

the razor becoming her best friend
50 cuts deep

her body tingles
and she feels him

the razor crashing to the tub
she feels him holding her
letting her know shes not alone

sending her the message of hope

her body falling to the floor

the next few weeks are rough
but she knows that
she has support
hes always with her
holding her through
the rough patches

shes loved

Write out loud

right before she hit
she saw him
smiling
waiting to take her in
to show that love exists outside of fairy tales

he grasped her hand
and lead her in to his heart

infinite happiness was almost reachable

she glanced back
at her past
a world know one should be in
pain
fear
hate
lost

she never fell more gracefully
then the day he caught her

Love is the movement
we are the cause

boring

Every glance at the mirror reminds her that shes flawed
She wishes it was as easy as people make it sound
wishing for hip bones
so beautiful
praying to be looked at by him
the same way he looks at her
wishing she had a him that wanted her
for her
soon
she locks her self up for days
praying to look ok
she hates how she looks and for that
she eats nothing
work out she screams
skinny is happiness
happiness is what I need

blah i suck

Alone she sat that night
wishing for survival
knowing that it never was in reach
she prays for strength
not forgiveness
shes fine with where shes going
she understands
no ones perfect
she never claimed to be
it was you who put those words to use
she slapped down the note
attached was her heart
stretching out to anyone in sight
she sighs
alone
she waits for the sinister smile
to disappear
she hates this life why not evacuate
she cant go fake so she might as well just go
excuse her shes slightly insane
never mind the words u hhear
shes alone again
like always
left with her thoughts
her dangerous thoughts
leave her be though
shes mad
at the world
for not working out
so escape this life with her
and make her see shes not alone

Lost at sea

Spinning loudly out of control
she grasps her head and screams
her hair falling to the floor rapidly
her body aching for kindness
the shiny salvation seeps in
she cant breath as the thoughts race through
her mind eluded to an unknown place
she digs deep to find something
anything
to ease these thoughts
to quit the masses around her
the bottle falls from the cabinet like
it came from god himself
she downs the whole thing in 3 minutes and
off to bed she goes
......

dear 2007

You literally sucked in almost ever aspect
nothing good came from you
aside from my wonderful neice
You took away my one outlet of frustration
my one person to go to no matter what
you destroyed many friendships that I wish could come back
shit you even formed a friendship id rather not take place in half the time
you crushed my innocence
in more ways then one
you actually had me at my lowest times and yet
you knew id come back for more
thats what you had on me
360 days
with at least 320 0f them being some of the
worst days of my life
yes i complain to much
but never about the big things
i get people die
you proved to me that many times
I get that friendships end again your the proof for that as well
I know I know that things happen
although I cant help but wonder what if
I could go back to
jan 1st 2007
god I know a few things that would change for sure
but im not going to stick on those
"what ifs?" because
you cant change the past only make the future better
but 2007 do me a favor
tell 08 to give me a break
i think I deserve it...

lost

do you ever feel lost in the most familiar places
like when nothing seems right to you
you find your self questioning everything
friends
family
peoples true intentions
life
god
and everything in between
I cant stand it anymore
who am I
the ultimate question
I hate my body, my mind, my life
I hate it
I want out sometimes
I need a break I think
but where do I take it
failing miserably
i dont no any more
foods the enemy
and the bestfriend
its insanely refreshing to know
i can go a week with out any food
then
sometimes dont you just want to scream
just let all the tension that built up out
escape reality
and get away
i used to paint
to get out
it helped
and i used to write and it helped
now
nothing helps
not even screaming

I need to step outside just to see If I can Breath

breath

takes it all in

looks in the mirror

and

never truly see how
beautiful you really are

the collar bones are
showing through
the covers
and your
face is sinking

my my
you look so pale
and
im scared

each step
you take

your searching
for no one but yourself

lost
among a sea
of dissapointment
and
failure

your scared
of
how far you are into it

perfection
is unreachable

the fuck up in u
is screaming
at the
perfectionist
you want to be

help

control
the urge



its gonna be ok

upside of anger

The story goes
shes lost...
but
somewhere shefinds out
shes never been lost
nor misplaced
here..now..
its happening
quit trying
and live
always silver
trying to be platinum
silver is silver
cant change it
its chemically im possible
so except it
move on
we are
who we are
figure it out
im trying
imperfections define us
i strive for more
and to be less
but
im working on it
and in that
im happy
not so much now
but i will be
and knowingg that makes things seem ok you no
so
dream big
and never
hold back

destroy the evidence

escaping what I no is
inevitable
we all face demons
distress yourself
it gets eaier
does it?
Im not so sure
rock
or
roll
its hard to say
in between
but not both
roll away from
this world
or
rock it
with confidence
even though you have none
see
the story goes
shes lost but
it ends with
her beiing ok
notthis book
its not like that
hate toruin it
but
nothing comes eay
escape
reality
for its coming
hard
and
fast
like
a pitch by a yankee
to
tiger
watch
out keep your eye on the ball
one blink
and a black eye
***OUCH***
seeing stars
but not in pete wentz form
life punches hard
we take it
or crumble
exceed with your
morals
go on like its ok
be ok
earase past mistakes
dont regret
learn
this is the day
to....
fill in the blank

new friends are golden

this is baby shit
ive grown
im older now
and its sad to leave u behind
u cant get over shit
and i never said what u meant
its funny
so strong
u claim
stand up
then
you act like
perfections your middle name
far from it hun
say what you please
im over you
day 17 never looked so sweet
please
dont act
no grammys in your future
poor youth
no what there is left
nothing
escape
you cant
i will
see u round
maybe
hope not
who needs enemys when you have friends like this
my favorite line
round here
im all outta hope
lost sense of belonging
all thanks to you
i never claimed what you thought
and u livedup
to my beliefs
way to proove me right
i new id never
trust u
and im glad i didnt
little peices are all u got
so thanks
for that
im proud
ive been nothing but a good friend
so say what u want
im done
escape yourself please
before it ruins you


much love loser

letters to you

i miss you
i wanted to tell you
im angry
from loosingyou
not at u
at me
i shoulda called
i was afraid
im scared
what do i do
its been 5 months
5monhths
since i heard urvoice
i miss you
i need you
you get me
u understood
now im here
fighting to feel ok
in this nothingness
i cant fell anymore
i cant go on
i want u back
i want to tell you
that its ok
iwant you to no that i love u
that
this isnt the end
i wantyou to no
how hard its been
i wanted to tell you
how strong youve made me
i want to say sorry for everything i did to u
i want to say merry christmas again
i want to plantflowers
andwater the garden
i want you to yell at me again
im so sorry
im so sorry
im so sorry
id kill for u back
i promise
im sorry
i love you

beautiful disasterpieces

frustration
fills my mind
anger is not the word
do u even understand
half of whats inmy head
no one does
no on enters my world
i letuthink
uno me
expose me i fear nothing
u have to say
shocked broken im dynig inside
i cant even get over the last now u want me to
deal again
i cant
i refuse
i need control
i cant get control
im spinning
and screaming
and no one sees me
hidden behind this smile
i resort to musical therapy
that helps as much as anything
i cant evenfight it
i want togo back
back to what
used to work
id kill for this
to quit
i want out
more than anything
iwanna be happy
not in the selfish
way i want to give i want tof eel good about
my choices
as of now
im not
i want control
with control comes
happiness
my plan torecieve control
regain consciousness
i miss u
u no
i miss u so much

I confess ive messed up

I feel
the weight of the world on my shoulders
cant move
closing in
the walls crumble
shes there
always
i cant breath
she laughs
inner demons threating to emerge
i lie
still she screams
in joy
mylife falling apart shes amused
need to de stress
de complicate
reducce
all things i hold mine
this is the end of
her
its all about to change
im ready for new
im sick of all this
all the me that does not exsist
feeling like i need to escape
be free
determined to discover
reality
....

im a prisoner of my ways

voices attack
and life is crumbling
depression strikes its weary head
and im waiting
for the crisp wind to sweap the nation
apple cider is around the corner
home is not here
currently im here
wishing to be there
i hold the things
shes needs
the only reason
friends remain
unchanged
a wordy mouth
of one
has disrupted what had begun
im sure its notas badas you think
talk is talk
ur lifeischeap
thrilled at least
im not like this
nothing fancy
i love giving
thats me
i give as much as possible
far better then
some im sure
i vow
to not regret
tell my secrets
theres nothing it will do to me
SEX
oh god
im over it
like you
we all need to move on
this is a new day
im readyto save theworld
no need to extend
this
who did what they did
we all no
some say
it but others dont
confusion
is only vain
u read into things
to far
u end up lost
if uget it
then good if not
better
tricky wording
=
truth to blind

I have my moments

deep into tranquility
she finds the truth
it never gets easier
time continues
we're trapped by time
controlled by all the power
acid tears pour from her eyes
melting the flesh thats left
she wonders
when someone will notice
how numb she is inside
deleted from
memory
shes here but no one really notices
understandibly she gets its not about her
she cant forget that no one
remembers her when shes ogne
yet when she back
everyone just cant get enough
letters stop and days pass
phones never dead since no calls ever come
she gets it
its busy
so she accepts
but sometimes she cant forgive all the little things
heartbroken
in the worst way
this time it never heals
it just continues
life
just continues

my loved till now for swear its sight i never saw true beauty till tonight

slow waves move in
this once perfect town
wrecked
another lost
3 more found
this is surely not the end
we tryed
but
its just to late
pray
pray
PRAY
for a safe return
this cant be the end
she sat there
overlooking the shaddered dreams
of so many
ship wrecked on a broken down version of gilligans island
whats left of her is damaged
shes damaged
they all see it
they see through her
her smile tells stories
of infedelity
of lost innocence
of
a fragile soul
destroyed
with just one touch
the waves crashed hard now
to the walls of whats left standing
she crumbles
no pressures worth this
waves settle to a stream
in the north
washing away all trace
of this beautiful place
denying all exsistence
of any
one single
rose ring
left
take this she said
its all thats left
make a name and
be true to yourself
you
hate this place and so do i
but you got time
and i got nothing
leave now
the waves are sure to find us
run
run
RUN

ill write you just to let you no im alright

a year a fun
and maybe to much fun is true
slipped grades
and bonding friendships
lifes never been better
its only one year
and so much has changed
she'll never understand
to her she's still that little
girl in pig tails
needing answers
for everything unknown and out of touch
friendships wont be broken
and drivings
well worth it
lets take off
and forget about
all this here
no one gets out of this town alive
so
lets get out why we can
leave a note and take some money
lets just drive
untill
we figure more out
lets escape
this horrible place
and be
best friends in a
better better place

caught up in circles

she stands there half impaired
half intoxicated
every bitter feeling she intended to
"shake off" haunts her
each breath in is a reminder
of her failures
one more stab from unexpected sources
one bitter smile from the woman claiming parenthood
one cold stare from a distant relative
one more disappointed sigh from "best friends"
no air remains for her breath to take
no deep breaths the waters filling fast
shes slipping
no handle on whats left of her
once imperfect but
souly better then now life
she smiles
as they pile on more and more
guilt for not caring
or caring to much
responsibility
pressure
everyone caves
its family tradition
so its expected
carring the wait of the world
is never easy
but shed take that over
disappointing
everyone anymore
grades cant be good enough
money doesnt come easy enough
or in mass supply
she cant take it
only outlets are slowly stolen
and secret coves invaded
so now weres there to go
hidden behind deep
walls of internet security
she pores every secret she holds
in hope that noone or anyone will find them

Every word gets you a step closer to hell

FIrst:Ill say sorry (thAts all)

Life

this is what it amounts to these days:

thirteens a real rough age to give up all hope

you never expected me to get were i am

the baby
your supposed
to have faith

you lost me

with every infectious word that spilled
from that filth you called a mouth

ive had more "fathers"
than the congregation at the vatican

your a poor excuse of a mother

i wish he never left
and yet i cant blame him

you always fret
the little things

and never let love in

you see
its sad
how u act

it makes me sick to
even see you


your jaded

pure intoxication
for 18 years

do you even no who i am

im not who you think

you make me out to be
the biggest faux pa
in your life

15 is an early age to escape
i got out lucky

but you get worse everyday


habitually speaking your an alcoholic
or should i say drunk
you cant admit to a thing

i turned out ok
no thanks to you

grandma did more than you
(now shes gone and im all alone)
siblings act like more of parent than u ever did

what id kill to have you
see you for who you really are


you call and ask others how i am

i have a number you no

ask me

they dont no either

i cant say i hate you
because i dont

i love you

but you'll never let me in

you dont give me a chance

im not so bad

i didnt make him leave

you cheated face it

i dont blame you fully

he ruined you
turned you black inside

its terrible how
blank you are

you're a train wreck of the worst kind

life didnt give up on you

you gave up on it

shedding this lifestyle ruins all summer fun

This city says
Come hell or high water
When I'm feeling hot and wet
I can't commit to a thing
Be it heart or hospital::Fall out boy **Inspiration**

she glanced up
at the girl she used to be
nostalgic for train wrecks
she thinks to her self
about
the things she'd do
old habbits die hard
but this one just wont quit
defeats not exceptable
and behind the [smiles]
is pure agony
to escape
from who she is now
do you even want to
continue
with friends like this
who needs enemies
lifes full of
awkward glances
intoxication
in the rarest form
fill my head with lyrics
and it never stops wirling
fill my head with knowledge and
its dead on arrival
writers block is pointless
throw words down and grasp from those
i cnat fix
your problems
but i promise not to tell
trust me
ill forget before i get the chance
1/2 second attention span
leaves me wrestles
for better things
this is old and im
drawing a blank
van gough's
rolling in his grave
at this poor excuse for art
love me please
so at least some one does

Medically speaking your adorable

Secrets shared via the internet

you say you never read into myspace
but i catch u in the act

believing everything your eyes feast upon

this is the age
of
amerature
camera whores

and im the queen of the brothel

feed my insecurities
with admiration
in the form of words
and odd glances

you treat me like
a harlot in a convent

disguising her sins
in first-class
girl scout style

you lied to escape
reality

and i channeled
lust into photos
for the world to see

desire fuels my mortality

im a model in my own mind

undiscoverd

unrecognized

When im home alone I just cant help myself...signing off again ...Im alright

You left me abandoned

cold

bitter

alone

the beauty of it all
i knew it was coming
and i couldnt stop it

your endless battle for life
my endless battle of denial

i missed it
that call
the last words
forever lost

ignorance
or maybe
fear

im not sure

these days are cloudy
one more class missed
one grade i cant fix
a paper to write
journals due soon

no inspiration
lack of sleep
and food

I cant grasp
the pole full of grease
its slipping
along with me

one last shot

I cant fight the urges
the razors call my name
the sweet escape of
each pill
as it goes down
relief
or just further down

my fix

i try to keep the feelings away

if only for today
id like to be happy

my only happiness
is found withen
the deep lyrics of bands ill never
see

a love for the
musical
in life

My life
one manic episode after another

down then up

this rollercoasters making me sick
but the carney wont let me off

Say a prayer then let the good times roll in case god doesnt show

the urges
returned
i couldnt give in
i cant go back
not to the way i was then
Im not that person
but i want it
i feel so free
so happy
i need it
the beautiful
state of nirvana
reached through
this easily obtained substance
id love to have
it
and i fight myself everyday
not to go back
not to slip into
that person
but she wants back out
and I dont no
if i can fight her in
Im tryin new things to get her outta here
but shes there still
tourmenting every move
I make
i want to be free
but not in that
way
i need help
from that friend that helped me all the times before
were is he I dont no
Maybe he'd save me
had i not lost him
....
...
..
.

thanks for the memories

mistakes were made
under a drunkin blurr
of pure insomnity

Hardly able to hear the
words that poured
from his mouth

which
for the time
it was ok

the ripple effect
is what killed me

from a lost possession
to a stolen photo

my lifes been full
of regret since
that night

its not him

under different circumstances
this would never have happened to me
i dont no why i let it come to this

id give my life to get it back

u see
its difficult to understand
im responsible
this was not

not me

that week
was not me

i let go of all morals
and became
a typical college student

i dont regret
and this is no reason to
stop living the way i do

i write to
escape reality
so maybe its all a
authors dream

but im afraid the memories are real

Sending postcards from a plane crash...Wish you were here

The heartbreak
filled my minds wave
I crashed
but I'm no ocean
hard to the floor
Finally cracked
me eyes glazed over
with disappointment
in noone but myself
I wept
for the first real time
my soul still
shaddered
and no relief
yet i still feel
broke
im not sure how to fix it
my life is never ending
but man i wish it would
the pressure to succeed to be great
to be ...anything
Im lost
I cant even talk
not to her
the one person I want more than anyting
I cant
and I miss it
I miss her
somebody
fix me
.
.
.
before its to late

Hum Hallelujah

Misery filled her veins

like semented cracks in side walks

with each step forward

she lost just a little more

everyday alive
was like hell to her

all she felt was the pain
she housed behind a fake smile
and little bits of laughter

never can she feel how she used to

the life stole from
the single most important person in her life

what happens now

does she continue
until her heart turns to
stone

or

give up
before the world
does it fore her