dear 2007

You literally sucked in almost ever aspect
nothing good came from you
aside from my wonderful neice
You took away my one outlet of frustration
my one person to go to no matter what
you destroyed many friendships that I wish could come back
shit you even formed a friendship id rather not take place in half the time
you crushed my innocence
in more ways then one
you actually had me at my lowest times and yet
you knew id come back for more
thats what you had on me
360 days
with at least 320 0f them being some of the
worst days of my life
yes i complain to much
but never about the big things
i get people die
you proved to me that many times
I get that friendships end again your the proof for that as well
I know I know that things happen
although I cant help but wonder what if
I could go back to
jan 1st 2007
god I know a few things that would change for sure
but im not going to stick on those
"what ifs?" because
you cant change the past only make the future better
but 2007 do me a favor
tell 08 to give me a break
i think I deserve it...

lost

do you ever feel lost in the most familiar places
like when nothing seems right to you
you find your self questioning everything
friends
family
peoples true intentions
life
god
and everything in between
I cant stand it anymore
who am I
the ultimate question
I hate my body, my mind, my life
I hate it
I want out sometimes
I need a break I think
but where do I take it
failing miserably
i dont no any more
foods the enemy
and the bestfriend
its insanely refreshing to know
i can go a week with out any food
then
sometimes dont you just want to scream
just let all the tension that built up out
escape reality
and get away
i used to paint
to get out
it helped
and i used to write and it helped
now
nothing helps
not even screaming

I need to step outside just to see If I can Breath

breath

takes it all in

looks in the mirror

and

never truly see how
beautiful you really are

the collar bones are
showing through
the covers
and your
face is sinking

my my
you look so pale
and
im scared

each step
you take

your searching
for no one but yourself

lost
among a sea
of dissapointment
and
failure

your scared
of
how far you are into it

perfection
is unreachable

the fuck up in u
is screaming
at the
perfectionist
you want to be

help

control
the urge



its gonna be ok

upside of anger

The story goes
shes lost...
but
somewhere shefinds out
shes never been lost
nor misplaced
here..now..
its happening
quit trying
and live
always silver
trying to be platinum
silver is silver
cant change it
its chemically im possible
so except it
move on
we are
who we are
figure it out
im trying
imperfections define us
i strive for more
and to be less
but
im working on it
and in that
im happy
not so much now
but i will be
and knowingg that makes things seem ok you no
so
dream big
and never
hold back

destroy the evidence

escaping what I no is
inevitable
we all face demons
distress yourself
it gets eaier
does it?
Im not so sure
rock
or
roll
its hard to say
in between
but not both
roll away from
this world
or
rock it
with confidence
even though you have none
see
the story goes
shes lost but
it ends with
her beiing ok
notthis book
its not like that
hate toruin it
but
nothing comes eay
escape
reality
for its coming
hard
and
fast
like
a pitch by a yankee
to
tiger
watch
out keep your eye on the ball
one blink
and a black eye
***OUCH***
seeing stars
but not in pete wentz form
life punches hard
we take it
or crumble
exceed with your
morals
go on like its ok
be ok
earase past mistakes
dont regret
learn
this is the day
to....
fill in the blank

new friends are golden

this is baby shit
ive grown
im older now
and its sad to leave u behind
u cant get over shit
and i never said what u meant
its funny
so strong
u claim
stand up
then
you act like
perfections your middle name
far from it hun
say what you please
im over you
day 17 never looked so sweet
please
dont act
no grammys in your future
poor youth
no what there is left
nothing
escape
you cant
i will
see u round
maybe
hope not
who needs enemys when you have friends like this
my favorite line
round here
im all outta hope
lost sense of belonging
all thanks to you
i never claimed what you thought
and u livedup
to my beliefs
way to proove me right
i new id never
trust u
and im glad i didnt
little peices are all u got
so thanks
for that
im proud
ive been nothing but a good friend
so say what u want
im done
escape yourself please
before it ruins you


much love loser

letters to you

i miss you
i wanted to tell you
im angry
from loosingyou
not at u
at me
i shoulda called
i was afraid
im scared
what do i do
its been 5 months
5monhths
since i heard urvoice
i miss you
i need you
you get me
u understood
now im here
fighting to feel ok
in this nothingness
i cant fell anymore
i cant go on
i want u back
i want to tell you
that its ok
iwant you to no that i love u
that
this isnt the end
i wantyou to no
how hard its been
i wanted to tell you
how strong youve made me
i want to say sorry for everything i did to u
i want to say merry christmas again
i want to plantflowers
andwater the garden
i want you to yell at me again
im so sorry
im so sorry
im so sorry
id kill for u back
i promise
im sorry
i love you

beautiful disasterpieces

frustration
fills my mind
anger is not the word
do u even understand
half of whats inmy head
no one does
no on enters my world
i letuthink
uno me
expose me i fear nothing
u have to say
shocked broken im dynig inside
i cant even get over the last now u want me to
deal again
i cant
i refuse
i need control
i cant get control
im spinning
and screaming
and no one sees me
hidden behind this smile
i resort to musical therapy
that helps as much as anything
i cant evenfight it
i want togo back
back to what
used to work
id kill for this
to quit
i want out
more than anything
iwanna be happy
not in the selfish
way i want to give i want tof eel good about
my choices
as of now
im not
i want control
with control comes
happiness
my plan torecieve control
regain consciousness
i miss u
u no
i miss u so much

I confess ive messed up

I feel
the weight of the world on my shoulders
cant move
closing in
the walls crumble
shes there
always
i cant breath
she laughs
inner demons threating to emerge
i lie
still she screams
in joy
mylife falling apart shes amused
need to de stress
de complicate
reducce
all things i hold mine
this is the end of
her
its all about to change
im ready for new
im sick of all this
all the me that does not exsist
feeling like i need to escape
be free
determined to discover
reality
....

im a prisoner of my ways

voices attack
and life is crumbling
depression strikes its weary head
and im waiting
for the crisp wind to sweap the nation
apple cider is around the corner
home is not here
currently im here
wishing to be there
i hold the things
shes needs
the only reason
friends remain
unchanged
a wordy mouth
of one
has disrupted what had begun
im sure its notas badas you think
talk is talk
ur lifeischeap
thrilled at least
im not like this
nothing fancy
i love giving
thats me
i give as much as possible
far better then
some im sure
i vow
to not regret
tell my secrets
theres nothing it will do to me
SEX
oh god
im over it
like you
we all need to move on
this is a new day
im readyto save theworld
no need to extend
this
who did what they did
we all no
some say
it but others dont
confusion
is only vain
u read into things
to far
u end up lost
if uget it
then good if not
better
tricky wording
=
truth to blind

I have my moments

deep into tranquility
she finds the truth
it never gets easier
time continues
we're trapped by time
controlled by all the power
acid tears pour from her eyes
melting the flesh thats left
she wonders
when someone will notice
how numb she is inside
deleted from
memory
shes here but no one really notices
understandibly she gets its not about her
she cant forget that no one
remembers her when shes ogne
yet when she back
everyone just cant get enough
letters stop and days pass
phones never dead since no calls ever come
she gets it
its busy
so she accepts
but sometimes she cant forgive all the little things
heartbroken
in the worst way
this time it never heals
it just continues
life
just continues

my loved till now for swear its sight i never saw true beauty till tonight

slow waves move in
this once perfect town
wrecked
another lost
3 more found
this is surely not the end
we tryed
but
its just to late
pray
pray
PRAY
for a safe return
this cant be the end
she sat there
overlooking the shaddered dreams
of so many
ship wrecked on a broken down version of gilligans island
whats left of her is damaged
shes damaged
they all see it
they see through her
her smile tells stories
of infedelity
of lost innocence
of
a fragile soul
destroyed
with just one touch
the waves crashed hard now
to the walls of whats left standing
she crumbles
no pressures worth this
waves settle to a stream
in the north
washing away all trace
of this beautiful place
denying all exsistence
of any
one single
rose ring
left
take this she said
its all thats left
make a name and
be true to yourself
you
hate this place and so do i
but you got time
and i got nothing
leave now
the waves are sure to find us
run
run
RUN

ill write you just to let you no im alright

a year a fun
and maybe to much fun is true
slipped grades
and bonding friendships
lifes never been better
its only one year
and so much has changed
she'll never understand
to her she's still that little
girl in pig tails
needing answers
for everything unknown and out of touch
friendships wont be broken
and drivings
well worth it
lets take off
and forget about
all this here
no one gets out of this town alive
so
lets get out why we can
leave a note and take some money
lets just drive
untill
we figure more out
lets escape
this horrible place
and be
best friends in a
better better place

caught up in circles

she stands there half impaired
half intoxicated
every bitter feeling she intended to
"shake off" haunts her
each breath in is a reminder
of her failures
one more stab from unexpected sources
one bitter smile from the woman claiming parenthood
one cold stare from a distant relative
one more disappointed sigh from "best friends"
no air remains for her breath to take
no deep breaths the waters filling fast
shes slipping
no handle on whats left of her
once imperfect but
souly better then now life
she smiles
as they pile on more and more
guilt for not caring
or caring to much
responsibility
pressure
everyone caves
its family tradition
so its expected
carring the wait of the world
is never easy
but shed take that over
disappointing
everyone anymore
grades cant be good enough
money doesnt come easy enough
or in mass supply
she cant take it
only outlets are slowly stolen
and secret coves invaded
so now weres there to go
hidden behind deep
walls of internet security
she pores every secret she holds
in hope that noone or anyone will find them

Every word gets you a step closer to hell

FIrst:Ill say sorry (thAts all)

Life

this is what it amounts to these days:

thirteens a real rough age to give up all hope

you never expected me to get were i am

the baby
your supposed
to have faith

you lost me

with every infectious word that spilled
from that filth you called a mouth

ive had more "fathers"
than the congregation at the vatican

your a poor excuse of a mother

i wish he never left
and yet i cant blame him

you always fret
the little things

and never let love in

you see
its sad
how u act

it makes me sick to
even see you


your jaded

pure intoxication
for 18 years

do you even no who i am

im not who you think

you make me out to be
the biggest faux pa
in your life

15 is an early age to escape
i got out lucky

but you get worse everyday


habitually speaking your an alcoholic
or should i say drunk
you cant admit to a thing

i turned out ok
no thanks to you

grandma did more than you
(now shes gone and im all alone)
siblings act like more of parent than u ever did

what id kill to have you
see you for who you really are


you call and ask others how i am

i have a number you no

ask me

they dont no either

i cant say i hate you
because i dont

i love you

but you'll never let me in

you dont give me a chance

im not so bad

i didnt make him leave

you cheated face it

i dont blame you fully

he ruined you
turned you black inside

its terrible how
blank you are

you're a train wreck of the worst kind

life didnt give up on you

you gave up on it

shedding this lifestyle ruins all summer fun

This city says
Come hell or high water
When I'm feeling hot and wet
I can't commit to a thing
Be it heart or hospital::Fall out boy **Inspiration**

she glanced up
at the girl she used to be
nostalgic for train wrecks
she thinks to her self
about
the things she'd do
old habbits die hard
but this one just wont quit
defeats not exceptable
and behind the [smiles]
is pure agony
to escape
from who she is now
do you even want to
continue
with friends like this
who needs enemies
lifes full of
awkward glances
intoxication
in the rarest form
fill my head with lyrics
and it never stops wirling
fill my head with knowledge and
its dead on arrival
writers block is pointless
throw words down and grasp from those
i cnat fix
your problems
but i promise not to tell
trust me
ill forget before i get the chance
1/2 second attention span
leaves me wrestles
for better things
this is old and im
drawing a blank
van gough's
rolling in his grave
at this poor excuse for art
love me please
so at least some one does

Medically speaking your adorable

Secrets shared via the internet

you say you never read into myspace
but i catch u in the act

believing everything your eyes feast upon

this is the age
of
amerature
camera whores

and im the queen of the brothel

feed my insecurities
with admiration
in the form of words
and odd glances

you treat me like
a harlot in a convent

disguising her sins
in first-class
girl scout style

you lied to escape
reality

and i channeled
lust into photos
for the world to see

desire fuels my mortality

im a model in my own mind

undiscoverd

unrecognized

When im home alone I just cant help myself...signing off again ...Im alright

You left me abandoned

cold

bitter

alone

the beauty of it all
i knew it was coming
and i couldnt stop it

your endless battle for life
my endless battle of denial

i missed it
that call
the last words
forever lost

ignorance
or maybe
fear

im not sure

these days are cloudy
one more class missed
one grade i cant fix
a paper to write
journals due soon

no inspiration
lack of sleep
and food

I cant grasp
the pole full of grease
its slipping
along with me

one last shot

I cant fight the urges
the razors call my name
the sweet escape of
each pill
as it goes down
relief
or just further down

my fix

i try to keep the feelings away

if only for today
id like to be happy

my only happiness
is found withen
the deep lyrics of bands ill never
see

a love for the
musical
in life

My life
one manic episode after another

down then up

this rollercoasters making me sick
but the carney wont let me off

Say a prayer then let the good times roll in case god doesnt show

the urges
returned
i couldnt give in
i cant go back
not to the way i was then
Im not that person
but i want it
i feel so free
so happy
i need it
the beautiful
state of nirvana
reached through
this easily obtained substance
id love to have
it
and i fight myself everyday
not to go back
not to slip into
that person
but she wants back out
and I dont no
if i can fight her in
Im tryin new things to get her outta here
but shes there still
tourmenting every move
I make
i want to be free
but not in that
way
i need help
from that friend that helped me all the times before
were is he I dont no
Maybe he'd save me
had i not lost him
....
...
..
.

thanks for the memories

mistakes were made
under a drunkin blurr
of pure insomnity

Hardly able to hear the
words that poured
from his mouth

which
for the time
it was ok

the ripple effect
is what killed me

from a lost possession
to a stolen photo

my lifes been full
of regret since
that night

its not him

under different circumstances
this would never have happened to me
i dont no why i let it come to this

id give my life to get it back

u see
its difficult to understand
im responsible
this was not

not me

that week
was not me

i let go of all morals
and became
a typical college student

i dont regret
and this is no reason to
stop living the way i do

i write to
escape reality
so maybe its all a
authors dream

but im afraid the memories are real

Sending postcards from a plane crash...Wish you were here

The heartbreak
filled my minds wave
I crashed
but I'm no ocean
hard to the floor
Finally cracked
me eyes glazed over
with disappointment
in noone but myself
I wept
for the first real time
my soul still
shaddered
and no relief
yet i still feel
broke
im not sure how to fix it
my life is never ending
but man i wish it would
the pressure to succeed to be great
to be ...anything
Im lost
I cant even talk
not to her
the one person I want more than anyting
I cant
and I miss it
I miss her
somebody
fix me
.
.
.
before its to late

Hum Hallelujah

Misery filled her veins

like semented cracks in side walks

with each step forward

she lost just a little more

everyday alive
was like hell to her

all she felt was the pain
she housed behind a fake smile
and little bits of laughter

never can she feel how she used to

the life stole from
the single most important person in her life

what happens now

does she continue
until her heart turns to
stone

or

give up
before the world
does it fore her

someone wake me when this is all over

These days all seem to fade to one

one week down and another soon follows

my heart shaddered
and
I cant remember how it feels to smile "and mean it"

Life just moves on

no matter how hard it hurts to get up
in the morning

the morning still comes

If i could craw in a hole
for 3 months I would

Id like to
leave

get out of town

I just want
things to be ok

I want to see my grandmas face
and no Im not crazy

someone tell me
why it hurts so bad

this feeling no one gets it
and I hate to admitt it

Im failing miserably
But its a game i cant afford
to loose

Life

So maybe its never to late

I tried so hard to remember
everything I could about you

but all I could think of
is saying good bye

I wanted to remember
the sound of your voice

But the rippeling sound of
heart break is all I could hear

I wanted to remember your
favorite flower

But all I could think about is
the days that follow

I wanted to remember camping trips
and gardening

But all that was on my mind
is "what should I say"

I wanted to remember our ice cream
and chilli dogs

but my mind was blank
and my soul was crushed

I dont want to forget anything about you
and I'm so scared I will

With each day that passes
Im afraid I'll loose
another peice of
you

with each breath I take
Im hoping memories
will not escape

I promise I will try
my hardest to make you
proud
and I will fill you
in on the gossip
since I no you wont tell

if you

Promise me
when I make it to heaven
you'll be there
with cabbage soup
and
a good story to
tell

The Patron saints of liers and fakes....

It seems these days
are deamed with
disappointment
and slowly things seem to
unravel
as i layed there last night
my mind screamed for any justice
of why things keep happening
I dont "understand"
and I really dont want to talk
I need time to sit
i need ghandi
or something
these days just fill up
so fast
alcohol down
the hatch
a long draw from
a newport 100
bring satisfaction I wish it hadnt
and there
I sat
in 3 degree weather
for 30 minutes
and the cold brought
tranquility
or numbness
and by this time
either one was welcome
so what comes next
this i dont no
a funeral soon awaits
and i cant wait for it to be over
the "sympathy" of ppl who never liked
her anyway
Its ok though
its just another
Day

Im the new cancer..Never looked better and you cant stand it

In Life you succeed or you fail

theres not much more to it

its not a matter of whose the best
simply a matter of making it as far as you can

If you make it
your'e a hero
in your own eyes

make yourself happy
try not to worry so much about
other people

this is a dog eat dog
world
either EAT
or
get Eaten

take your pick

Sleepless nights lead to psychosis

The beauty of closing your eyes
and drifting off to
a wonderful place of dreams
were anything goes its your choice
no matter what you have that
but when your stripped from it
when you lay there night after night
wishing if just for one night
you could close your eyes and be off to that other worrld
yourr mind plays tricks on you
you starrt to hear things that do not exist
your body starts to hurrt
in places you never thought existed
your eyes are heavier than life itself
you pray
and wonder why
what the hell did you do
why is that everyone else
gets that luxury
and you do not
is it the fact that
you have no real reason to wake up in the
morning so if you actually do sleep
there would be no reason to get out of bed
you just sit therre and think all night
6 am rolls around you figure why not get up
you'd give up your most prrized possession for that sleep
just and hour or two
anything
.
.
.

one leg down

song lyrics
fill my head
as sit here alone
wondering
what happened to the classics
when did all music become a scream
loud
imposing on our ear drums
delivering
quante satisfaction
as we glissfully listen
and pretend we actually understand
the twisted words
pouring out of
the beautiful face
of this emo god
from fall out boy
to afi
even some chiodos
we love it
we get it
some people dont but we do
the "punk" generation
our parents most likely
hate it and maybe that makes it better
if its to loud
your simply to old

If you think happiness is sunshine... you never danced in the rain!

As his hand slid up my thigh
my body pounded with temptation
my lips gave in
and his dark brown eyes
told me everything would be alright
his hips grinded
hard to mine
and at once
we became a
statistic
with a few
twists
and lots of
pressure
my body screamed
and his
lips peirced
my forehead
and forr that night
the world revolved
around
his black spikey hair
and
the way he
whispered in my ear

My hair was everywhere screaming infedelities

my body wanted
every minute
of this unfaithful
act

your eyes looked
right into mine
and
together we decided
to go ahead and lie

you kissed me first
but i kissed you last

I knew I'd feel guilty

but that didnt matter

the way your lips
felt there way in the dark to my ear
and the words you whispered
sunk in so deep

I never meant to bring hurt
but
i couldnt resist

the broken friendship
wasnt worth it

and im really sorry

but during the
time we were together
I didnt think twice

of how you'd
feel
or the consiquences
that would come

I'm sorry

Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears, rather ones that just don't care

His lips like poison
delivered just what was anticipated

the way I knew he lied
but still I went back for more

The way he could look right into my
eyes and say anything
It didnt matter
and I let him

every time his lips
graced mine
I knew it was one more inch to
a broken heart

Every whisper
from that deep and raspey voice
dug holes in my heart
deep enough
to bury my self in


I knew the end

its classic

like a teenage love song
---------------------------------------
So i couldnt finish it but i like it so far

I only play to win. I only want what I deserve so who are you trying to kid? You can call it like you see it, but I call it like it is

Only after disaster can we be resurrected

We need disaster
to proove how "Good" we can be
why is it that the only time
we help out one another
is when we think that one is "in need"
Why do we need to be in need
to get help
what if we just help
just
say ok
today its my goal
to help someone
and
do it

its not like you have
to save the world just do something
anything

donate 50 cent to random charity

who cares

...........................
Lifes to short to make it all about money
why do we work
so hard to
buy things
that we think we need
that we dont
that 400 dollar purse
or 70 thousand dollar atmosphere killing Escalade

we want so much
but its advertismen that make us that way
I want what i cant have so Im going to
work my ass off
to be able to have
this
this
THIS SHIT
I dont need
the biggest house
fastest car
I wont even enjoy it
I'll just work for more
strive for better
we are all consumers
that it we're here to buy things

I know this
and yet I want that nice car
that house Who knows why
???

On a long enough time line everyones survival rate reaches Zero!

She stands here watching
her own life unravel

all lies come undone

so many lifes impacted
yet she cares none at all
each lie was told with care
as untrue as it was

she waits

in morn everyday

because :
simply..

somebody dies everyday

she waits
for
nothing

but she watches
as cops move in and out of her
once beautiful home now
destroyed
by infinit power urges
inside shes angry

at no one
or everyone
she cant stop

as she
downed the glass of water
washing down a bottle of happiness in
pill form
she waits

as she dug the razor
deep within
her flesh
discovering that no pain is bad pain at least you feel

she realizes

this is as close to heaven as she can get

she was gods unwanted child

she dealt with it!